9 years Later- A Look at Ground Zero

Every year for the past 7 years I have gone to Ground Zero on September 11th. This place has changed so much over the past 7 years. For a long time, it was a 16 acre hole in the ground blocked by chain-link fences and large walls.

6 months after September 11th, 2001, I had the privilege of traveling to a few firehouses in the area to bring some supplies and thank you notes we had gathered from our church. It was only February of 2002 and the site was still covered in rubble. Because of our NYPD escort we were allowed onto ground zero, our shoes covered in the dirt of the site as rescue workers worked tirelessly to sort through the rubble. You could see the exhaustion and pain in their faces as they tried to make sense of what was left.

For a few years there was a small memorial site along the eastern edge of the site that surrounded the temporary access point to the PATH trains that take commuters to NJ. There were pictures up, names printed and flowers and mementos left behind. Every year on September 11th it became a gathering point for people to come downtown after work and reflect. Strangers would talk to each other about where they had been when it happened, conspiracy theorists would try to convince you of the mysteries of that day and quiet mourners would spend time remembering a day that changed everything. One year Reverend Billy and his gang of protesters decked out in gospel choir outfits joined us to speak their minds. I am still not really sure what their point actually was, but it was interesting.

Two years ago when I went to ground zero on 9/11 I was shocked to find that this small memorial site was no longer there. The public square I had grown to appreciate over time was now blocked off as progress began on that side of the site. The PATH station had opened on the north side of the site and the tower adjacent to it that fell after the impact of the Twin Towers had been completely rebuilt. This building is outside of the official ground zero site and did not experience the same political delays in rebuilding as its neighbors did.

Now when you visit Ground Zero most people congregate to the south of the site, where a small Fire Department station has constructed a large memorial listing the names of the fire fighters who lost their lives. The adjacent street has very little traffic so visitors typically congregate there to peak through the fences and see what's going on.

I visited Ground Zero a few weeks ago when a friend was in town visiting and I have to say I was really surprised by how much progress had been made. The new tower is at least thirty stories high and growing everyday. For some reason this made me incredibly sad. I had been there at least 10 months prior and there was no where near that kind of progress. I know I should feel excited that the area will soon be restored and that those that lost their lives will have a permanent and real memorial site. But for some reason I just couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling that sometimes in life we need these physical sites to stay broken because when they get fixed it makes our broken hearts look out of place.

I stood there looking up at this massive structure that is only a fraction of what it will be one day and thought about healing. What did this say about my own faith in God, my own hope for healing- when I wanted the world around me to stay broken. For some reason I still really needed the brokenness of my own life to remain, to say that I wasn't crazy, to show that the scars I have received and learned to live with had really come from somewhere. In some ways our wounds define us, they grow and challenge us and they mature us. But when do we let God heal us?

I returned to Ground Zero on 9/11 and choked back tears for the 7th year in a row. We started on the south side where the firehouse memorial is and walked around the eastern perimeter ending at the northern edge where the new building is going up. I took a picture of this odd looking-half built structure excited that one day I would show my kids and grandkids what it looked like as it was being built. And that was the moment I realized what healing meant in the most practical of ways. It means being able to see yourself in the future, excited to show off the glory of what God has built in the midst of the rubble that once was.

Maybe healing isn't defined by the moments when the buildings are completed but by the moments when we can imagine the glory the Lord will bring when they are completed and the joy we will share with our loved ones in telling these stories of redemption.

Love in the Church

For awhile I have been thinking about how we in the church fail to love each other well and how painful it can be to watch a spiritually exhausted body fall prey to defensive lists of how much they are doing. If only we could all realize that to love is not to fill our lives with lots of service responsibilities and be super active. The problem will not be solved by pledging to do better next time, but will only truly be solved when we express our utter humility and lean on the forgiveness and power of Christ.

Below is a link to a blog post in response to Anne Rice's commentary on the lack of love in the church and her ultimate decision to leave that reminds us that our response should come from the tears and pain of the cross in connection with others and not in the isolation or stoicism of the islands and rocks of Simon and Garfunkel.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/rayortlund/2010/08/20/a-rock-feels-no-pain-an-island-never-cries/

Track Changes

The advent of the track changes feature in Microsoft Word has launched a new level of productivity in collaborative work processes that is really quite cool. My problem has always been that I am awful at seeing what the document would actual look, feel and sound like if with all of those red lines and crossed out sections. Typically, I have to accept all the changes in the document and then read it and see what I think. But given our company's propensity towards the track changes feature and collaborative proposal writing, I am forced to try to change. I faced with the challenge to work collaboratively without being able to fully see or predict what the final product will be. An element of trust is clearly in order as I expect my colleagues to navigate the red lines with an eye for proper formatting. Yet there remains another unique element of the problem. I need to start to adjust my view. I need to see that while red lines may prevail for the moment, they will lead to a beautiful final document that is edited and ready to print. I need to learn the nuances of the program and value the utility of each function. I need to weigh carefully which type of edits, comments and suggestions I make. I need to keep in mind who is ultimately compiling all of these collaborative changes and what would be most helpful to them in terms of how I structure my changes.

Ultimately, I need to loose my grip on the final product and start to have a mind for the present.

Oh how deep those words ring in a heart that longs for the final product to be realized in God's kingdom, in the Church and in my own life. While I may labor incessantly to edit, revise and improve my walk with God and the community around me, I must always keep in view that Christ is the only one with the power to "Accept all Changes". He knits together all of our work, all or our edits and we will surely stand in amazement of the final product- whenever it may come.

Sunsets

I have a strangely fatalistic approach towards the events of my everyday life. This puts a strange pressure on the hours of my prayer life that pass on subway platforms and city streets. Often times I don't leave enough time to travel somewhere by subway on a Sunday evening, a detrimental mistake at a time when a fairly predictable transportation system goes haywire. I pray that God with his sovereign hand will assure me of his love with a promptly arriving train. Yes, I do pray for trains to come quickly and become frustrated when they are delayed. No, I don't actively test God by telling him I won't believe he loves me if the train doesn't come. But in some ways, I inactively associate the daily weight of my situations with the love of God as I wait for the the arrival of a train or the arrival of a solution to the situations that cause me great pain, loss and fear.

I think it is important to think about how we see God, to recognize that deep down we sometimes doubt that God loves us. It is important to come to the Lord in honesty, and recognize that sometimes its hard to believe God loves us when a nagging voice inside us questions why a loving God hasn't changed our painful circumstances.

The other day my plans fell through and I found myself with an over-fatalistic attitude to contend with. I wondered who I would run into on the street and what life-changing moments would occur. I walked through these New York streets doing my best not to look over my shoulder too much and finally made it to the Highline where I dug into Beth Moore's new book and watched the sunset over the Hudson. There is nothing better in the world to remind you to stop over-thinking and to start watching what the Lord is doing than a sunset. Turns out the Lord did have a very profound meeting planned for me that evening, one where I saw a savior lead me out of my plans merely to spend time with me.

I never cease to be amazed that the Lord can break through our overly analytical thought lives and find ways to show us how fully loved we are. As it turns out my fatalistic approach to the evening taught me an extremely important lesson- that while I crave the moments that will change my circumstances, the Lord knows better and pursues the moments that will change my heart.

Worth the fight

Last night my roommates and I were discussing the new facebook phenomenon "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback?", which launched a rousing conversation on the random cheesy music preferences of our friends. At one point my roomies may have broken out in song, belting "what's worth the price is always worth the fight". For whatever reason this lead us to Miley Cyrus and my rendition of "It's the Climb", a clear crowd-pleaser for sure.

In the morning I tend to wake up with a song lyric in my head that doesn't leave for most of the day. Much to my chagrin, I woke up singing "what's worth the price is always worth the fight". To give you a hint of my awareness of pop culture I was convinced this was an Adam Lampert song until I started to write this blog and made the connection from last night's discussion to my morning melodies. But regardless of how it got there, I spent most of the morning tacitly exploring those words. What is worth the fight?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the fight we fight as Christians in our daily lives. As the hands and feet of Christ we are bringing in the Love and Reign of God's kingdom as we pray and love those around us. We fight a battle that Christ has already one, and yet we often times fall prey to some sophisticated battle tactics in Spiritual Warfare. One way we often experience Spiritual Warfare is the societal pressures that cause us to doubt the truth of what God says about us and to live in the knowledge that we are fully loved and fully secure in God's love. This is exceptionally difficult for me because of the nagging voice inside that demands a defense of God's love in my everyday life. If God loves me, than why am I in so much pain? Why are things so messed up? As a result, I am prone to jealousy, anger and despair as I struggle to understand why I am not loved and accepted by those around me.

I understand that my image of myself is lower and more troubled than what those around me are likely to think. The fact remains that I struggle, as I am sure many of you do. Coincidentally, I am not the only one thinking about these things and will join some friends and family in reading Beth Moore's new book along with over 6,000 women across the country who will participate in the study and discussion group attached to her blog. Together we will fight to claim the victory and love of Christ in our everyday lives as we learn the ways in which our insecurities have eroded our belief in God's all-consuming and justifying love.

This bible study will be a fight, a fight to sort through the lies I tell myself and to surround myself with the truth of God's word. But I am sure that "what's worth the price is always worth the fight". Christ has paid the price for me. For my life. For His love. It is worth the fight, because it took the ultimate price.

True Life: I'm a single Christian Female (Part III)

Awhile back I wrote a blog about the movie Jerry Macguire. In it I criticized Renee Zellwegger's character for her line, "You had me at hello". She seemed to be settling for Jerry's return without seeing what he had to say first. I still think that post was an important look into gender dynamics in the church. Yet, as I watched Jerry Macguire on TV again this afternoon I think we need to take a look at that particular scene again.

First of all, the thing I didn't remember on my last exposition is that Jerry actually has a whole heart-touching monologue before she responds with, "You had me at hello". He walks in to the room, looks around and can't find her. To the aghast gaggle of women he says, "I am looking for my wife" and when he finally sees her he explains how the most exciting day of his career wasn't complete without she who completes him. Thus she knew what he was there for before she said her famous line. The more I think about it the more it seems that this scene fits better into an exposition on the biblical relationship between man and woman in marriage than it does in terms of gender in the church.

Lately, I have been listening to John Piper sermons online. Surprising statement coming from me, I know. But it has been helpful for me to investigate complementarian gender roles from the heart of a pastor and not the thesis of a book. It has been provoking for me to think about the importance of living out a marriage that is based in submission and headship for the simple reason that it demonstrates the profundity of Christ's relational love for the church. I am struck by the notion that there really is something at stake if we don’t commit to this model. One of the interesting applications that John Piper gives for male headship in marriage is the need to keep relationships with wife and children from allowing sin and brokenness to pervade the walls as the sun sets on their anger (Ephesians 4:26). Piper urges men to take Christ-like initiative in seeking reconciliation in the family, being the first to apologize even if the majority of wrong was committed by the other person.

I find myself standing in wonder at the type of love that would fuel this type of Christ honoring relationship. It’s the kind of love that requires such an intimacy of mind, body and spirit that two really do become one flesh. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). It’s the type of love that binds two hearts together, the kind of love that can only exist if it starts with a gospel based knowledge that “we love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).

If we can go back to Jerry Macguire for a second we will see the separation that had prompted Jerry’s return in the first place. In the scene where they decide to take a break Dorothy finds the strength to confront the growing distance in their relationship and says that she had previously “was on some wild ride” where she thought that she had “enough love for the both of [them]”. But she didn’t want to “go the next 10 years just being polite” because she couldn’t live without truly being loved. Jerry sarcastically asks what else she could possibly want from him, his soul perhaps. Dorothy gives the profound response of saying yes that she does want his soul because she deserves to be loved like that. She deserves to be loved with the kind of life-changing love that makes two people become one. It's obvious in the film that Jerry's character can't handle this type of love as they both reflect on Jerry’s problems with intimacy. In an earlier video clip made for Jerry’s bachelor party, friends and ex-lovers reflect the curse that plagues Jerry’s character, that he is “great at relationships and bad at intimacy”.

The reason that Jerry’s return is so touching is that he comes from a place of fearing intimacy to tell his wife that she “completes him” as a person. And while we may want chuckle at the women whose hearts flutter with this Chick Flick line, I think we should avoid that temptation and hold onto this one. Mostly because its biblical. Two people coming together complete each other in marriage in a way that brings glory to Christ and reflects his love for the church. This is also reflected theologically in creation where Adam is not complete without the Woman as a companion who completes him (and humanity). This is of course not to say that single people are incomplete, which we need to fight against as a common and unbiblical undercurrent of Christian culture because we are fully complete in the love of Christ.

I don’t know if John Piper has seen this movie, Jerry Macguire. Lately I have been thinking about calling and telling him about it, but that might be weird. Marriage is not for the faint of heart nor for the timid of intimacy. We need to take this whole “one flesh” thing seriously enough to know that it’s a big deal. A friend and mentor once commented to me that the first year of marriage is like a "sin-mirror" where you see all the ways that you are prideful, angry and hurtful from the proximity of life together. I am growing more and more convinced that the messiness of relationships actually does call for some kind of guidelines to manage the process of such a profound union. We have been given these guidelines in the Bible and as much as I have been averse to their literal application before, I think that now more than ever we need the protection and wisdom found in scripture. In my opinion our only hope is to cling to God’s word and do our best not to distance ourselves from its messages.

10 points of discernment

I've spent a lot of time baffled by how I'm supposed to weigh the fullness and theological depth of scripture when making a decision and seeking Godly discernment. It helps me to think through a process that will help me to weed out my prideful and overly-analytical mind. I started listing out some questions to ask myself in order to discern if a decision or thought process is of God. It's really just a compilation of things, I'm sure it's not that original. But let me know what you think and what processes you go through when seeking wisdom, guidance and discernment.

10 points of Discernment

1. Does this decision or though process reflect the fullness of the gospel?
2. Does it glorify God and the principles God has given us for life in His Word?
3. Does it allow me to live a healthy, fruitful life in God's provision (is God providing for this)?
4. Will this produce fruit?
5. Does this allow me to express the fullness of how God created me?
6. What are my motivations for this decision?
7. What do voices of mentorship & accountability say about this?
8. Does this keep me in the freedom of Christ OR chain me to something that is not of God?
9. Am I expressing submission to Christ and the authorities God has laid in front of me?
10. Am I pursuing this out of love or fear?